I’m just back from vacation, today my brother headed home after a ten week long trip to Houston and I’ve not blogged in a while.  So, today I’m cheating – just a little bit.

As many of you know I’ve started a ‘Fertility Friends’ segment here on the blog, starting with my good friend Izzy.   my second guest-blog, from my friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ll call her ‘Cruz’.

Here’s her story;

We did it folks, we survived the one year anniversary of the pregnancy that wasn’t meant to be. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be for a variety of reasons, just ask anyone – “You’re not ready”, “You can’t afford it”, “Only straight people should procreate”, “You’re infertile”, “It wasn’t in God’s plan”, “You can try again”, “It’s for the best”.

The Reproductive doctors label me infertile due to the lack of sperm.  Seriously, that’s a cause for infertility.  There is nothing wrong with my organs, just a lack of sperm in my relationship.  My significant other was born female and thus cannot produce sperm, ever.  We started talking about children before we were even together for a year and after a few months of trying on our own with a known donor, we moved on to the Reproductive Endocrinologist.  This was an expensive decision, but one that we don’t regret.

The RE was intelligent and knew what he was talking about mostly.  However, his staff was not LGBT friendly and lectured me about bringing a child into this world with my “unique situation”.  The visits weren’t always pleasant, but we believed this was all a necessary means to an end.  Eventually the doctor dumped me saying that I was too fat to procreate and to lose a ton of weight and we’ll come back.  Like I had suddenly gotten fat over the past 3 months that we were trying to get pregnant!

Anyway, we resumed using a known donor.  This was not a fruitful experiment though.

We eventually resettled in another city and found it to be very LGBT friendly and finding a doctor who accepted lesbian patients was not difficult.  We love our current RE.  During the first visit where they interview you to see what you’ve tried, what you want to try and where you’re at physically, they took some blood.  I got the call the next morning that I was pregnant!

Our last insemination with a local known donor had worked!  Imagine our excitement, especially because we thought we’d never get pregnant and were ready for some serious measures.  My hormone levels were low so I got put on supplements.  I was going in every third day for blood work to be sure that the beta numbers were increasing.  They were increasing, slowly.  My hormones were trickling up the ladder.  This was a huge cause for concern.

But what can you do? I rested and went about my life as mostly normal, barely holding back my excitement and nervousness every day.  Then at about six weeks, the pain started.  It was a bit of cramping but it lasted for about six hours.  I wasn’t bleeding but I was very concerned.  I called the RE’s emergency pager and the doctor, not my usual one, told me that if it was that bad to go to the ER or to wait and come in the morning.  I survived the night, full of cramps, and made it to the doctor’s office in the morning.  He was a rude asshole who acted like my pain was nothing, that everything was fine and to go home.  He didn’t think there was a chance of miscarriage and didn’t sympathize at all with my situation.  They had taken a blood sample that morning and by mid-afternoon called to confirm that all my numbers were dropping and to wait it out.

Wait it out!

It was a bad week of feeling like death and eventually bleeding and feeling like death some more.  Just when I think it can’t get any worse and I start to feel better, I passed the “products of conception”.  It was obvious what it was and I was hysterical and called my partner who was at work.  It was bad for quite a while.  But I moved on.

A few months later when my body got back on track, we went in for a HSG test.  The doctor shoots dye up your uterus to be sure that there is no blockage in the fallopian tubes that could prevent egg meeting sperm.  My tubes were beautiful, she said.  For all intents and purposes, I am fertile.  We waited another month and then decided we’d start trying again.

That was seven months ago.  We’re still trying, still failing.  We have moved back into purchasing frozen sperm rather than using known donor sperm.  I have no idea if this really makes a difference but it has made us feel better.  Something about knowing the doctor is putting the sperm in the right spot makes all the difference.  Even if the doctor fails, for some reason it just feels like it was a better chance than trying at home.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant for two years now.

TWO YEARS!

It feels like forever and like we’ll never have the child that we desire.  I feel like a failure for not having the right body chemistry to hold those cells together until they grew into a munchkin.  I think all the time about ways that I can increase fertility and what I should stay away from that could effect it. 

I’ve eaten pineapple cores and tons of dairy products.  I’ve taken baby aspirin every night and swallowed Clomid for 4 days a month.  I’ve injected gross supplements into my lady parts.  I’ve exercises, dieted, avoided cheese and grease.  I’ve set up a “make a baby” shrine and meditated while hoping that sperm meets my egg.  If it has been suggested, I’ve tried it.  I’ve even tried the “don’t worry about it and go on vacation” advice from random strangers.

Oddly enough, I never get pregnant on/after a vacation… must be that lack of sperm again!  I’ve had my own mother tell me that I could always use her uterus since “obviously” there is something wrong with mine.

There is nothing wrong with me! I just can’t get pregnant as easily as other people have.

It’ll happen though, one of these days. It’ll happen.

Don’t forget, if you, or someone you know, has battled with infertility and would like to share your story, get in touch!