I swear I wrote this blog-post without trying to sound like an emo teenager.  Though I’m not sure how successful I was!

I don’t think I have ever felt as isolated, or lonely as I have in the last nine days.

Being someone with an irregular cycle (some months up to 50 or 60 days), I can’t say I’ve ever done the ‘two week wait’ before.  According to friends and family members, ‘it’s the worst’.  But having never experienced it, I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I quickly learned that in future, I need to have either two weeks of complete hibernation where I absolutely don’t talk to anyone, or, a trip or something to keep me occupied, busy and out of contact with the human race.

I’m normally a positive person, but the last two weeks, I’d go so far as to say that I’ve been borderline depressed – don’t get me wrong, it’s not just ‘all of this two week wait stuff’, Summer in Texas is difficult.  It’s hot.  Really hot.  And when I went through my address-book, to put together an email to ask some friends to go out for lunch, this is what I got:

Out of town.  Out of town.  Relocated.  Leaving town in a few days.  Out of town.  Relocated.  Relocated.  Out of town.  Out of town.  Leaving town in a few days.

Lonely. Lonely.  Lonely.

I’ve been told ‘it’s only a week’, or ‘I don’t see my friends one week to the next’.  Which may be normal for someone in a ‘regular’ lifestyle, but for an expat, who doesn’t work (in the traditional sense of the word), being surrounded by people is how I get through the day.

I’m not used to being alone.  I don’t like being alone for long periods of time – I seriously have an empty calendar for two weeks, the WORST two weeks it could have been.

I’m not used to being bored, having nothing to do and nowhere to go.  To the point that today, I did housework – I never have TIME to do housework, but today I did laundry, groceries, had a home-cooked dinner and even did some of Col’s housework.  UGH.  I want my life back! LOL!

I’m not used to NOT having a friend living in West-Chase to drop in on, when I do have those rare moments of being bored and having nothing to do and nowhere to go.

So far, I have been told that I’m “too excited” about “all this two week stuff” and need to calm down a bit and have a grip on things, while at the same time I’ve been told to ‘stay positive’ and ‘keep my chin up’ and don’t talk in any way negative, ‘it WILL happen’.

I’ve been told that I’m being very quiet, while at the same time I’m ‘irrational and need to rationalise my thoughts’ and to keep a ‘healthy perspective’.

I’ve had arguments and ‘cross words’ with people I thought would understand.

I’m totally out of control, in that, I have no control over the situation.  The reactions, the irrationality.  I have no control.  That’s not a phrase I like saying.

In spite of saying ‘I understand’, few people do.  I don’t like repeating myself, but it’s such a lonely path to travel down.  People don’t know what to say, so they avoid you, or they call you out on behaviours that you know are insane, but you have no control over.

I mentioned to Col last night, next month.  Do we do another round of IUI so close to our trip home? Do we risk having our next two-week-wait over such an important trip?

His answer surprised me, he said to talk to the doctor and if it doesn’t make any difference to take a break.  He said that this has taken a huge emotional toll on me (on both of us) and having this count-down clock around my neck isn’t good.

I guess I didn’t realise quite how horrible the last 9 days have been. For both of us.  He must really love me to not have turned to the bottle this week!

I feel like we are caged animals, maybe one day this week I’ll come good on my threat to just drive to Austin and back to Houston for no reason.  It’ll take up a whole day of my time, I won’t be able to use my phone or laptop (so I can’t upset anyone) and I’ll have to concentrate on driving around the crazies (so I can’t fixiate on ‘the wait’).  Or maybe I’ll talk Col in to playing hooky and we’ll scoot off to the beach for a day.

People say ‘just relax’.  I want to smack them.  This is the least relaxing thing I have ever gone through.

The day of the procedure and a day or two after, everyone who’s everyone was sending messages of support, good luck and seeing if I’m ok and then, pretty much silence.  It was horrible.  I think next time I won’t tell anyone I’m going in for the procedure and that way communications won’t go crazy and then stop-dead in their tracks.

These days I’m getting by on copious amounts of tea, luke-warm baths, keeping two pints of ice cream in my freezer and the count-down that in only four weeks I’ll be home stuffing myself full of all the yummy foods that I’ve not had in over a year.

It’s all about that curry chip!

I can’t tell you anything about the two-week-wait (TWW) that you want to hear.  It sucks.  It’s shit.  It’s longer than you ever knew two weeks to be.  It you’re an expat in Houston during the summer, heck, even if you aren’t, chances are it’s lonely as hell.  No one really understands.

I can, however, offer you a few tips on what NOT to do:

• Don’t ‘start’ your TWW too early.  Make sure you track your cycle and start the clock at the right time.
• Don’t test before you are supposed to.
• Don’t take repeated tests.
• Step away from the internet.  Do NOT research pregnancy symptoms every time your temperature changes.
• Don’t stay up late.  Sleep when you can.  It’s not only good for you, but it passes time more quickly.  Naps are God’s gift to the impatient!
• Don’t let your health suffer – stay on track with your healthy eating habits and moderate exercise is also encouraged.
• Don’t drink alcohol – in spite of the occasionally overwhelming urge to do so.

One piece of positive advice?

• Save extra special self-care treats for your period – mani-pedis, date nights etc.

Maybe I’ll get better at dealing with it, I probably will…I mean, I have to, right?

I don’t get the impression it’s something that you just walk in to, fully prepared to deal with, but I read today, some tips on the The Infertility Voice for ‘Surviving the Two-week-wait‘ and a funny blog piece here.

4-days to go.

UGH!