So, originally, I was going to name this post, ‘Defective. Failure. Computer says no.’ But after having breakfast and lunch with two of my girlfriends today, I decided to call it something different. Because, for a split second, my mood has altered somewhat – and I’m trying to grab on to it with both hands. And not let go.
On Thursday, a friend unknowingly upset me. She made a flippant comment about something vaguely-fertility related, that when you’re in the midst of the fertility battle, can set you off. The wheels were kicked in to motion.
On Friday morning, I got my period. Thankfully I spent the whole day in church, so I could try and calm my soul. The wheels raced on.
On Sunday night, someone on my Facebook page, not only pretended to be pregnant, but had a fake sonogram, the works. The wheels just about popped off the wagon.
So, I think I’ve figured it out…why I’m so catastrophically debilitated by the fact that everything inherently female about my body seems to fail me on a monthly basis. I don’t do well with failure, I’m not used to failing. I’m used to working hard, for what I want, for putting blood, sweat and tears into something, on a finite schedule.
I know when the goal is.
I know what I need to do to get there.
I make it happen.
My eleven plus, violin and singing grade exams, KS3, GCSE’s, driving test, A-Levels, university finals. Everything had a timeline. Everything was on a schedule. Everything was achievable by a certain time.
By X date, you could have what you need to get to the next stage.
With this, I’m not in control. I’m running towards a moving goal post and I have no idea if or when the finish line is within reach, if it’s within reach at all. It’s frustrating, it’s scary and when my period arrives each month, it chips away at another little bit of my soul.
This month was hard, really hard. In spite of myself, I really had high hopes for my first cycle post HSG and when reality smacked me in the face, it made me hurt.
I’m still hurting.
But I talked to my friend Shelley today and she said some things that made me think, and, like the subject line suggests. Hope.
Shelley told me that her parents tried for seven years before they had her. Seven! She believes that she was born at the exact point in time that she was supposed to. She had an ace kindergarten teacher, who started teaching the year Shelley went in to kindergarten. She went to college at the exact right time to meet the man of her dreams. If she’d been born too soon, or too late, these things wouldn’t have happened the way they did.
A lot of things had to ‘line up’ for the first domino to be pushed over, and the ‘right’ subsequent dominoes to also fall.
She is a firm believer that God has a master plan and when the time is right, he’ll tip over the first domino labeled ‘baby McMaster’ and the rest will follow. It may sound ridiculous to some of you, but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. It’s just frustrating to me that I don’t have a tangible deadline, something finite to work towards and I’m struggling with that.
I think it’s something I’ll always struggle with.
If anyone has tips on how to maintain a healthy balance of hope and the right dose of realism…please let me know!
I know the feeling, the timeline, the struggle to achieve those life milestones on target. It’s really hard to hold onto hope and be realistic at the same time. I am a bit too much of the realistic and less on the hopeful side, hence our decision to stop trying to get pregnant. I’m really proud of you for sticking with your dream and I hope that sooner, rather than later, you have a wee lass/lad of your own 🙂
Per our discussion yesterday…
I too agree with you, that all things happen for a reason. The hardest part is to live by faith alone.
A true, but hard concept, as we are mere human. It will happen on HIS timeline. It’s tough to say wait & be patient. So I will say keep the Faith & let God do the work in your life.
If He brings you to it,
then He will bring you through it!
I’m not sure how long you have been trying and even though it took me about 6 to 7 months to become pregnant both times, I can assure you that I went through a lot of the same thoughts and emotions that you are. It used to be that we’d watch a movie where someone would unexpectedly get pregnant while using birth control or from a one night stand, or the news would talk about unwanted teen pregnancies… and I would break down. I would become infuriated. How is it that those who do not care to become pregnant end up having babies so easily, and here I was pining for one every breathing moment and there was nothing? Then I read something and I tried it (I’ll tell you when we meet, not something I can write here) and it seemed to work – I think. So it was all wonderful, we told my parents, and then at 7 weeks, there was spotting. the ultrasound showed a beating heart and we went home thinking, it’ll be ok. but the following week there was more heavier spotting and… it was over. The new ultra sound showed no heart beat. I got the, “your body stopped the pregnancy because something went wrong with it” explanation, which is rubbish because then we wouldn’t have children with deficiencies born in this world at all. I was thinking maybe I am not destined to have a child. My mother had always needed Progestrone injections for all of her pregnancies, but they had refused them for me because the doctors believed that if the body had determined the pregnancy to be unviable, then they didn’t see any value in progesterone supplementation and helping a pregnancy that will yield a non-healthy baby. But I figured, that should be my prerogative, not the doctors. Some saw the value of progestrone debatable because at the time apparently there was no conclusive study to suggest that it woud help. I scoured the internet at dial up and early DSL speeds to find out more and it turned out that progesterone helped the fertilized egg cling to the uterus and grow. Usually a cyst forms on one of the ovaries and that provides the progesterone, but in some people it can be deficient, meaning the fertilized egg may not cling at all or if it did, it would eventually detach from the uterine wall. We moved countries then tried again for a few months, until I remembered that “trick” I had used the first time. Seemed like it worked this time too… and like clockwork, at the 7th week, the spotting began. This time I called the doctor and told him what I needed. We were in Cairo and I didn’t need a prescription to have them deliver progesterone tablets to the house. so I was on those tablets and bed rest for the first 5 months until the placenta is completely formed and takes over the production of progesterone. I probably still required some supplementation because by the 7th month his growth had slowed down, and by the 8th month, by which time I was in Canada, he had stopped growing, which meant not enough nourishment was reaching him. They kept an eye on him and labor was induced the morning of May 21st, as soon as he became full term at 37 weeks, and May 22nd, my beautiful son was born, although I remember that I didn’t hear him cry until a good 20 seconds later, with all the doctors/nurses huddled around him. Even now, I am amazed by stories of people who become pregnant so quick, sometimes despite being on birth control or using other precautions and sometimes because their husband walked past too close to them! Good for them but it was never that easy for me. I wish you the best. Just think that your struggles will make for a good story some day. My hope is that your story will be short and will have a cute baby at the end!
Oh Fariha! I didn’t know you had fertility issues, maybe you’d like to share your story on my blog one of these days? It sounds like you’ve been through the mill on your journey, I’m so glad you ended up having a healthy son after all that, I know how hard it is.
We have been unprotected since November 2010, but we’ve been actively trying for about a year now. I have my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in a few weeks, fingers crossed he can help me!
“I am amazed by stories of people who become pregnant so quick, sometimes despite being on birth control or using other precautions and sometimes because their husband walked past too close to them!” This made me laugh out loud – it’s something I say all the time!!
People we know took 7 years. In that time they adopted two brothers who needed them dearly. As the final adoption papers went through, they got pregnant. What a family.
Felicity waited until she could be American. Who knows what she’s destined to do? President? Perhaps while a sibling is prime minister…
Everything happens for a reason. Put your faith in God and follow the path laid out before you, for you too may still have god’s work to do.
Easier said than done, but I’m trying 🙂
Now I have visions of little Ben and Frances running the world!
that story made my hairs on my arms. legs, top lip.. stand on end. Actualluy sound really hairy right? It’s true..I’m like a Highland coo!
I just want to say, It will happen, it will. Just believe and try and not stress. I know it’s hard not to… but go with the flow. enjoy your free time with your hubby and friends…soon there will be no time to do any of these wonderful things you do.
Trust.
You are so cute.
xx
haha you do sound rather hairy!!
Hugs. That’s all I’ll say today because you know my story.
The thing that helped me was taking my core temperature every morning. It helped with getting to know my body and when to try, but it also helped with knowing I was pregnant, if only for a few days.
It helped me to know that I COULD get pregnant, it was “just” a matter of my body rejecting the pregnancy because of not enough progesterone.
I managed to convince my GP that it used to be prescribed in the UK, that it had worked when I took it in the States, and 8 months later my beautiful girl was born.
I know we’re all very different. I just want to send good vibes to you.
XO
I guess I DID say more than just HUGS 😉
Haha and but this is a 4 year old post! 😘