Well, it happened. I turned 30.
Whilst I was momentarily afraid to face the big 3.0, I quickly realized that I’m more terrified of Lewis turning one, than I am of me turning thirty.
I think it helps that I’m the younger one in our marriage, Col hits all the landmarks before I do. That helps.
But, upon closer inspection, and reflection, I quickly saw, that actually, I’ve achieved a lot by the time I hit 30. So, really, it ain’t all that bad.
Right??
Let’s recap: I graduated college (huge personal achievement), I met Col, moved to Houston, volunteered (for four and a half years so far), helping other expats here, got married, travelled to some amazing, bucket-list kinda places, and after a three year battle with infertility, we had Lewis.
It ain’t too shabby.
And, after reflecting a little on the last year, I’m slowly coming to realize that Lewis turning a year old, isn’t all that bad. We tried for three years to conceive. I wanted him so very badly, and I spent my whole pregnancy afraid to go to the bathroom, in case disaster struck.
I wanted him so very badly.
When he was born, I bawled. I couldn’t believe that he was ours and that we could really take him home. I cried at the smallest thing. He opened his eyes, I cried, he yawned, I cried, he grabbed Col’s finger and I cried.
He is simply amazing.
I’ve definitely changed. This year has changed me.
Motherhood is a juxtaposition. Fo’ sho’!
I’m more relaxed (baby led weaning and mess), yet more highly strung (danger and injury to my precious cargo) than before.
I’m more calm (trying not to over react to every little bump or fever), yet more emotive (I seriously cry at everything!) than before.
I’m more patient (teaching him things), yet more impatient than before (saying no two hundred times to the same thing).
And I’ve learned. A lot.
Let’s start with the boobs, if you’d told me, this time last year, that I’d have made it a full year Breastfeeding, I’d have laughed in your face.
FACT.
This little “leech” stuck to my boob 24-7. I’d finish one agonizing feed and it would be only a matter of minutes til the next one started (feed every three hours my ass!) The screaming agony of his latch (that no one could fix), that resulted in me crying at every feed for months on end, the bleary eyed night feeds, the leaking, the boob pads, the lansinoh, the panic attacks and stressing when he needed fed and we were out in public, the time spent in the car when I didn’t feel confident nursing in public, the double shirts (pull one up, pull one down), the teething, the fish hooking, the nose poking, the pumping, the pump and dumping (I had an MRI with contrast, and surgery with narcotics and couldn’t feed Lewis for two x twenty four hour periods) and feeling like Daisy the dairy cow.
Its all behind me, and I’m almost mournful that our journey is nearing its conclusion (he’s down to morning and night feeds and is self-weaning). Almost. It’ll be nice to have my boobs back to myself, for sure. But, more so, the sheer pride of getting him to this milestone, when so much didn’t work right from the get-go, I’m thrilled.
I can’t begin to tell you how your perspective changes when you have a child. You watch something on TV and you cry. Nay, sob. Because it tugs at heart strings that you never knew existed. Your whole being becomes about protecting and raising this beautiful slobbery, stinky butted kid, who just has to look at you and your insides turn to goo.
You perceive a whole new level of security and risk. You’re like a member of the secret service, everywhere you go, checking, double checking and triple checking. Everything. Twice.
You become a multi-tasking genius. No, really. You’re keeping the kid on the changing table, who has suddenly morphed into Usain Bolt, while dealing with poop, potential projectile and spontaneous pee, hands that are fascinated with boy parts, changing and dressing him? It should be a bloody Olympic sport. Fact. And don’t get me started on people telling you to practice dressing a teddy bear!!
My advice? Practice dressing a 200lb Labrador, while he’s chasing a squirrel down a motorway. That’ll learn ya!
And the poop? THE POOP! It’s only poop! It’s only puke (he had reflux so bad that he had to sleep in a swing for six months)! It’s only squished up, two day old Mac and cheese in your hair. Today, for example, Lewis had a blow out. They are infrequent, but we needed to change his clothes and in the clean-up process, he kicked out his leg and got poop all over his foot, ankle, calf, knee and thigh, he stuck his hand in it and then grabbed my, already poop-tainted arm. It’s only poop. Just keep telling yourself that. It’s only poop!!!!!!!!!!
Showering is a novelty, going to the loo (especially solo) is a novelty and hobbies are a novelty.
But holy shit I’ve never known a love like it. The love I have in my heart cannot be contained.
This child can make me cry, just by looking at me.
He’s smart, he’s funny and he’s a sponge. Watching the cogs turn in his head fascinates me. When he figures something out, he’ll check to see whether we are watching, and if we aren’t, he’ll do it again. One night he had started using his walker by himself, the walker was out of reach and dada hadn’t seen his new monkey truck yet, so he started walking around the living room pushing along the basket of laundry. He’s currently using his daddy’s table as a walker, after having used the nappy bin. Resourceful kid.
He’s inquisitive, likes exploring and figuring stuff out. He likes testing boundaries to see just how much mama means the ‘no’ she’s just said three times. His favorite toys are the unsuspecting ones, a spoon on the tiles, an empty egg carton or one of his plastic plates to bang against the bin. We should have just returned all these toys people got him and bought eggs.
He is FULL of love and he’s such a happy kid, he gives smiles generously, he gives kisses unprompted, he waves at, and makes friends with strangers, he loves his daddy (who can’t leave the room without a scream-fest when daddy gets home from work), he claps his hands when I sing, he loves to dance, and he’s just cut his sixth tooth.
Being a parent has being the biggest blessing I could ever have hoped for, and it is multiplied exponentially, by the fact that we got blessed with such a shamazing little boy! <3
Happy birthday little one, I can’t wait to see what the next year has in store for our little family <3
We are all blessed to have him and greatful for your hard work and dedication with him x
As for the poop … It’s only poop
Some days it doesn’t feel like ‘only poop’, especially those where you can smell him across the room 😉 LOL! He’s a wee diamond 😉
Hahaha! Yep, it’s only poop, but the way you describe it? Holy shit, it’s hilarious!
I’m glad you are able to enjoy your little bubble of joy. I wasn’t, not to the extent you are. And it’s something I’ll never get back.
As for breastfeeding? I had 2 kids who weaned as they wished more or less… one at 27 months and the other at 39… 🙂
The fact there’s only one or two feeds a day doesn’t necessarily mean it will stop soon. It could go on like that for as long as you both want it 🙂
Happy Birthday Lewis. It’s a joy to see your cute smiling face on my FB feed every day 🙂
Haha it’s so true!!!! We are down to 1, just before bed. I didn’t offer yesterday or today and he didn’t ask. He’s ready to wean for sure 🙂 Bed time will take a little longer though, he’s attached to that one!
It goes so fast. Love and hugs.x
Iona, it really, really does! I can’t believe it!!
Happy birthday to Lewis and congratulations to all at Casa McMaster!