“The expat wife trades luxury for her self-identity, a drastic increase in stress, and a great deal of emotional work.” 

It’s probably the most common question asked to me as an un-working expat spouse.  I, personally, have found it the most insulting, the most degrading and the most tiresome.

At least that is, until I stumbled across this article, 10 things expat women should stop doing, and saw this;

“Stop explaining yourself to others.  Yes, you may have been a professional woman back home, but now you’ve chosen not to work.  And you may have decided to indulge in a history class at a local university while a nanny watches your kids.  You don’t owe any explanations to your friends back home who have been expecting you to start working as soon as you land.  And you don’t have to explain to your family why you are not spending every waking moment with your kids.  What YOU do with YOUR time and resources is no one else’s business.”

It’s hard, I admit.  It’s like an explanation is expected from you when someone confronts you with a question.  Let’s try and break it down!

Contrary to popular opinion, or maybe it’s just a little-known fact, many expat wives tend not to work – often they can’t.  They are more likely to have children and be more concerned about things like finding friends, raising children abroad, keeping marriages together, dealing with culture shock when you’re not here as per your own life plan, leaving work behind and sacrificing for your spouse’s career.

Most people don’t understand the expat way of life, many, don’t even try, they just make sweeping assumptions that we’re all married to rich oil barons – add to that fact that many of us largely choose not to work, and people automatically assume you’re a sponger, a bum, or even a desperate housewife – sitting at home by the pool, sipping mimosas while the gardener, the pool boy and the cleaner work around you.  I’ve been called all of the above at some stage or another over the last four years – not exactly my favourite labels as an expat wife.

Often, our family and friends can often be quick to point out how ‘lucky’ we are without the worries of working, cleaning and driving whilst shopping, lunching and living in a holiday hot-spot that most people dream of visiting one day.

The reality, however, can be much different. Husbands working (in many cases much more than the ‘regular’ 39 hr week), learning the language, organising schools for children and making sure they are settled, building a network of friends whilst also dealing with the daily challenges of living in a country where the language and culture are a constant demand – not to mention the obvious, being so dreadfully far away from family and friends and lets also not forget, many of the expat women leave a successful career behind them too.

Expat wives find themselves dependent on their husbands financially, emotionally, and socially.

If we think about mentioning any of this to family and friends we face concerns that we will be perceived as ‘ungrateful’ for not fully realising how ‘lucky’ we are.  Again, over the last four years as being an expat wife, I have been subject to this too, ‘sure you live in Houston, what worries could you possibly have?’

Why don’t you get a job? It’ll help your husband out!

Why don’t you get a job? It’ll get you out of the house more!

Why don’t you work? Is that not what everyone does?

So, why are so many expat women ‘trailing spouses’?  and more specifically why do I not ‘work’ or make a living in the more traditional way that many of you assume is the only way to live?

1. Fresh out of grad school

When we moved to Texas, I was a recent graduate of Queens, I hadn’t started looking for a job in my field and I had no experience in my field, or, for that matter, any other.

For me to work here, I’d have to go in to retail, or the service industry and I really didn’t want to do that (mostly for reasons no.2 and 3 below).

2. Pay/Taxes

The jobs mentioned above, would not only be relatively low-paying, but I’d also be taxed at my husbands tax bracket.  So, once ‘Uncle Sam’ got done with any pay check I DID bring home, there wouldn’t be much left to speak of – certainly not worth doing the hard work to have gotten the pay check in the first place!

3. Holiday/Vacation time

Finally, the largest factor for me, personally, is the lack of vacation time given by most US employers.

In a study conducted by the WorldatWork Association in May, 2010, the average number of Paid time off (PTO) days offered by employers was:

• • Less than one year of service: 15 days
  • 1-2 years of service: 19 days
  • 3-4 years of service: 20 days

Most of the assignments from Col’s company, range from 18 months to 5 years in any one place, so with a potential maximum of 2-3 weeks of vacation every year, I doubt our friends and family at home would see us very often as I’d probably want to spend those 2-3 weeks sleeping or drinking cocktails by a pool somewhere tropical and spending time with my husband!

4. Happiness

Probably the least important for many people, but, expat spouses will understand it’s importance.  I’m much happier doing what I currently do than I would be working in the retail or service industries!

What do I do instead?

I don’t ‘work’ in the conventional sense of the word out here, I volunteer, and have done so since we were here about 4 months. My first 2-year position was welcome coordinator for Col’s company’s spouses association. Because there’s so much movement, most of the women don’t work, so his company has put together a ‘wives group’ to help people settle in to their new environment. My job as welcome coordinator was to help them find houses, driving lessons, English lessons, schools for their kids and help them assimilate into Houston life.

Last year, I was elected as president of the spouses association and have done that for 13 months out of a total of 2 year term. I have a team of 15 ladies who report to me and we are responsible for over 500 wives of people in Col’s company. I have a substantial operating budget and it’s my job to make all of the cogs keep turning, in the day to day running of the local chapter of this organisation.

When I first moved here I hated it and cried every day for 6 months, so I decided that I would volunteer and work my ass off to make sure no one else felt that way!  I help people, real life people who struggle, suffer from anxiety, feeling lonely, depressed, removed from reality – I have helped people in the last four years, and for that, no pay check could replace that satisfaction or sense of self worth that I have gotten from doing what I do.

By the time I leave Houston, I’ll have over four years volunteer experience, at manager level.  There will be no gaps on my CV and I’ve picked up a lot of translatable skills and have made some fantastic contacts (and references) around the globe.

I’d not have traded my volunteer experience here for any 9-5 job you can list!