My entire life, I have wanted a tattoo.

When I was young, I used to dream up things that I would some day get tattooed on my body, but my dad was quite strict and he’d tell me that I’d regret it, time and again, and I’d hear that it was sore, really sore.  Historically I was quite a chicken with a low pain threshold, so I never got one (mostly cause I was afraid my dad would get pissed at me!)

Before he died, my friend Taylor and I had scheduled a date.  He wanted to get a tattoo on a date that was special to him, of a symbol that was special to him, and, since I also liked the tattoo a lot, I agreed that wherever we were in the world on that date (in 2018) we would meet up and go get matching tattoos together.  Unfortunately for me, as I’m sure most of you have read time and again, Taylor died in 2017 and we never got around to getting our BFF tattoos.

Over the last few months it’s been on my mind, and, while the date has long since passed by when we were supposed to meet and get our tattoos together, I’ve been teetering on the edge of going to get it, by myself.  My pain threshold is certainly higher – I mean, I can take a punch to the face now.  I’ve had my fair share of bumps, bruises and injuries from Krav training and I’d like to think that I’ve definitely gotten stronger there.  Amber will probably agree, because I used to be kind of a cry baby!

Since he died, I’ve been giving thought to his tattoo, and, while I’m likely still going to get it at some point, I mulled on his teachings as my mentor and realised that he’d probably rather me to have my *own* tattoo that was meaningful to *me*.  While his tattoo is both of those things, I feel like he’d want me to pick my own first tattoo (especially in case it was too painful and I didn’t want to go get a second one!) and so I got to thinking.

I wanted something that reflected my personality, but, until you sit and give thought to what your personality actually *is*, and not what your demons tell you it is, you can’t really put that down in a tattoo.

Yeah, there’s been a lot of thinking lately.

The thinking was helped along by NANOWRIMO, basically my ‘write a book in November’ project where I decided to write a book about my expat experience and my life over the last ten years.  I got to reflecting about the qualities you kinda sorta have to have to be an expat.

Lastly, I’ve been finding myself drawn to the lotus flower a lot since I moved to India – it’s everywhere, even in the henna designs I’ve gotten during our time here.  My favourite jewellery designer in the entire world (Alyssa Smith) made a beautiful lotus flower necklace and earrings earlier this year that I bought, and my favourite quirky little jewellery store in Galveston had lotus flower drop earrings that I HAD to have, too.

I did some research into lotus flowers and realised that IT was TOTALLY my ‘thing’.

I needed a lotus flower tattoo.

“Strength among adversity”

Sounds pretty spot on for me (and many expats too), right?

In many religions, the lotus flower symbolizes rising from a dark place in to beauty and rebirth.  Something beautiful growing out of dark and murky waters. It’s associated with purity, spiritual awakening and faithfulness.  The breaking of the surface every morning is also suggestive of desire, this leads to it being associated with spiritual enlightenment.  It is seen to be representative of somebody who carries out their tasks with little concern for any reward.  Many of the gods and goddesses of Hinduism are linked to the lotus flower, for example, the goddess of prosperity, Laxmi, is usually depicted as being seated atop a fully opened lotus flower.

As expats, I like to think that no matter what ‘dark or murky’ places I have been, or will be planted, I make the best of it and turn it in to something beautiful.  It resonated a lot with me.  Plus, I’m working on delving in to the world of spiritual enlightenment, maybe some day I’ll even pick a colour for my lotus flower! 😉

A white lotus flower refers to purity of the mind and the spirit. If a lotus flower is red, it refers to compassion and love. The blue lotus flower refers to the common sense; it uses wisdom and logic to create enlightenment. The pink lotus flower represents the history of Buddha and the historical legends of the Buddha. A purple lotus flower speaks of spiritual awakening and mysticism. Finally, the gold lotus flower represents all achievement of all enlightenment, especially in the Buddha.

The stage of growth the lotus flower is in represents a different stage of enlightenment. A closed lotus flower represents the time before a Buddhist follower found Buddha or enlightenment. A lotus flower fully bloomed and open represents full enlightenment and self-awareness.

The mud represents an importance in the meaning of the lotus flower in Buddhism. All humans are born in a world where there is suffering. This suffering is a vital part of the human experience; it makes us stronger and teaches us to resist the temptation of evil. When we banish evil thoughts from our mind we are able to break free of the muddy water and become one with the Buddha. The mud shows us who we are and teaches us to choose the right path over the easy one.

Finally, the lotus flower represents rebirth, both in a figurative and a literal sense. The rebirth can be a change of ideas, an acceptance of Buddha where there once was none, the dawn after one’s darkest day, a renaissance of beliefs or the ability to see past wrongs. In a literal sense, the meaning of the lotus flower in Buddhism represents rebirth as a reincarnation, such as in the Buddhist religion, when a soul leaves this world in its present form to be reborn in another.

Lotus flower meanings are all about aspiring to express, to live, and to share beauty.

Under the lotus, is a unalome.  The unalome symbol represents the path to enlightenment in the Buddhist culture. The spirals are meant to symbolize the twists and turns in life, and the straight lines the moment one reaches enlightenment or peace and harmony. The dots at the end of the symbol represent death, or the moment we fade to nothing.

At the bottom of my tattoo, if you’re paying close enough attention, you’ll notice that I have added a semi-colon.  The semi colon has become an important symbol in representing the struggles of mental health and the importance of suicide prevention.  This one, I almost didn’t do, and I almost just added some dots to complete the design.  But, during more of my thinking time, I realised that my history with mental health is part of who I am, I am here and I am stronger because of it, and that I should be proud to be a survivor and to wear a mark of my journey.

When I was in college, I overdosed in the bathrooms of Buttercrane shopping centre in my home town, on painkillers.

I don’t think I’ve actually typed it ‘out loud’ before, and since I imagine it’ll go in the mental health section of my book, I won’t say much here – so you’ll all have to GO BUY IT (when it’s out).

I didn’t want to die, but, in the moment, I thought I didn’t have any choices.  I felt backed in to a corner and, once I’d swallowed the tablets and thought about the actual severity of what I’d done, I realised I didn’t ACTUALLY want to die, I just wanted things to be different.  Not over.  I panicked, called 999 and went to the hospital where I drank liquid charcoal and got sent home with a referral to a counsellor.

I wanted to live.  I survived.

I was called all the attention seekers of the day, but, I didn’t want attention – far from it, I’d had way too much attention and I just wanted a choice, an option, something that I was in control of.

I’m not proud of how I handled things getting on top of me, but I AM proud of how I pushed through and came out the other side.  It wasn’t the first, or last time that I’d dealt with depression, I’m not ‘cured’ of depression, anxiety and I surely am not immune from mental health issues just cause I didn’t kill myself that one time.  But I am more aware of the fact that it’s something I struggle with from time to time, and I felt like a reminder on my skin of just how far I’ve come, couldn’t ever be a bad thing.

“A semicolon is used when an author could have chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  The author is you and the sentence is your life”.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration’s 2016 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 9.8 million seriously thought about committing suicide. This is a separate number from those who have a mental illness, as the two are not always related.

And that’s exactly what the semicolon tattoo is working to change—the stigma around suicide.

Just as the mark is a sign for readers to pause before continuing a sentence, participants have embraced the symbol as a reminder that their story isn’t over yet—and that they should tell it.  

What’s more, the tattoo has encouraged people to demand recognition for and discussion about illnesses that often skate by under the radar because they are invisible.

Ink has always been a conversation starter, and the semicolon emblem is no different. It’s an opportunity for survivors, those who battle every day, and even supporters to talk to those unacquainted with suicide.

It’s bigger than the idea I walked in with, in my head, but, I think some things need to be big reminders to ourselves, and, now that it’s done, I kinda love it, a LOT.  I’m SO glad I took a spare of the moment decision to go and get it done.  I’ve already picked out a second one, and I’m hoping to have time to go get it done with Sabby, in Koregaon park before we leave on Monday morning, but, if not, I’ll drag my friend Liz to come with me when I get back to Ireland, she’ll be ready for her third about then anyways! 😉