I know, I know, I’ve been AWOL for an unforgivable amount of time over here on my blog, but, I’ve been a little busy writing and publishing my first ever book. It’s been quite a rollercoaster ride, but I’m happy to say that the anxiety of my book being put out into the universe has definitely been quelled by the reception its received over the last ten days (MONTH!!). Anyways. I’ll try to do better about blogging – there just aren’t enough hours in the day most days!

Please note: I started this some time ago and have been adding to it over the last six weeks.

Today my therapist, Ashleigh, threw down some pretty big challenges for me. And, while the idea of them alone sent me into a near-panic, I’m going to give this a shot and see where it takes me. She figured if I have an audience I could be more inclined to stick to it – let’s see. I started a slow-burning tech-cleanse recently and I will continue to work on that. But, for the next thirty days, I’m going to do one act of self care, self love or selfishness every day. Trying to crack the life-instilled premise that being selfish is negative, and work on myself, my sense of purpose, my well being and my balance.

I brought it to a couple friends. Compiled a list of 30 (I cheated and added a 31st one to do EVERY day) and we will start tomorrow. I’m nervous, anxious, and already tired before I start, but she asked me to do it for a reason and I trust her. So let’s give it a go. I’ll share some, but not all with y’all.

Day 1: Do something you’ve been putting off.

I didn’t want to self care today. This week has been epically shit-tastic and I’ve cried every fucking day. Including today. Col took Lewis to the doctor so I could go to work – and then told me he’d taken my car. This normally wouldn’t be a big deal, just take his instead, right? Except his is a stick shift and I haven’t driven stick in over a decade.

This challenge was tough, even the simple things like drinking enough water, turning my phone off an hour before bed, a tech-free day, etc. were difficult for me. The challenge showed me that I don’t often take some time for myself. Or do things to improve myself – the little things, not the life changing things, like join a gym, or cure cancer, or whatever. I’ve tried to continue with it since the challenge ended, and I’ve noticed that I do slack when I don’t have a specific list to tick from, or a group of people to feed back to, to hold me accountable. And it didn’t help that this challenge didn’t feel natural to me. Not at all. I think it actually got more difficult during the month, too, rather than easier.

I think the biggest thing I learned, however, was that self-care doesn’t have to be about the big things. Every time we hear the phrase ‘self-care’ we are somehow convinced that you need a few hundred bucks worth of equipment, a few hours of alone time and a bottle of wine to care for ourselves. This isn’t the case. In many cases you just need a couple minutes and something you love to do (like colouring, or baking).

I was given a tiny plant while I was in the US and I struggle daily to keep the bloody thing alive. Not enough sunshine, not enough water, too much water – it’s a constant balancing act to try and keep this tiny little plant that is completely dependent on me, alive. The plant is me. I’ve learned that if I don’t give myself the required ‘stuff’ every day, I’ll turn brown round the edges and start to die, too. Life is a fine balance of ‘stuff’, kids, work, husbands, family, friends, housework and all the other things in between. But none of that other ‘stuff’ can work, if you don’t have a sturdy enough foundation of you to work from and build on.

I know I don’t have a sturdy enough foundation of me. I didn’t need the self-care challenge to show me that, I needed the self-care challenge to try and combat that and while I’m not sure how much I accomplished in that month, it certainly brought to light that even the smallest of ‘stuff’, like eating three meals a day and getting enough sleep every night is achievable, even if it’s hard work.

I’ve slipped backwards since I got back from the US, I’m not drinking enough water or eating enough food and i’m certainly not walking outside in the sunshine every day for eight hours, but I’m doing other little things. I’m trying to listen to my body more – some days that’s all you can do. I’ve started reading two non-fiction books about self improvement and I just can’t get in to them at all, so I’ve taken a ‘time out’ and gone back to fiction because there’s obviously a reason I can’t drag myself through the pages of “how to be a better person” right now.

I  had a bit of a moment of enlightenment yesterday in the car on the way home from lunch with friends. I realised that in my heart, I’m a fighter and a singer. In Houston, I was at my happiest when I sang in my choirs and fought my friends in the gym. I don’t do either here, and I feel like there’s a hole in my chest where those things should be. I need to get back to both. Somehow. And soon. For me.

I don’t think I would have come to this realisation so firmly, had I not done this challenge. It made me reflective, self-analysing and more aware of myself, my feelings, my desires and emotions. It made me realise that it’s ok to sit for five minutes and do some colouring to centre myself. That it’s ok to write out all of my feelings into a page about people I need to forgive, and burn it so it disappears. That it’s ok to miss the places in the world that make me happiest, as long as I make an effort to remain happy in other places. But mostly? It made me realise that it’s ok to be imperfect, broken, fragile. But it’s not ok to let yourself go brown around the edges and start to die.

It reminded me that deep down, I’m a fighter.

And I’ll fight.

Because as Coach Mike says, if you can breathe, you can fight.