“Today is World Suicide Awareness day……write “love” on your wrist to show your support for those who have gone before us an for survivors…like me…”

When I was younger, I self harmed.  But, I was one of the dangerous ones – who did it where no one could really see.  My arms aren’t lined with scars of being cut, however, my thighs still have the distinct markings of having a blade dragged across the skin.  I always wore dark trousers, so no one could see the blood seeping through the fabric.

Back then, I also took an overdose, they had to call an ambulance for me, I had to drink charcoal and everything – it was horrific and terrifying.  Whether I really wanted to die at the time, or not, is irrelevant (hindsight is 20/20), the point is, I tried to die.

Even the most ‘normal’ seeming of us (and no, I’m not in any way referring to myself as ‘normal’, I know many of you would just laugh) have suffered with depression, and I’m one of the unfortunate ones to have lost a best friend, and, the first boy I loved, to suicide.  I still think of him often, and, when I kept a paper diary, I addressed many of the entries to him.  I miss him, even now, and I had no idea he was even sad, I often feel guilty, like perhaps I could have seen something, or have looked harder.  Perhaps I could have made a difference.

I remember the exact moment I was told he died, I remember my reaction, his wake, what he wore, what was buried with him, his funeral.  I remember his face clear as a bell, his voice and his favourite leather jacket.  I remember visiting the place where he died and being so consumed with grief that I just sat there, crying, alone, in the rain.  I remember that he was the only boy my parents would let me hang out with on my own – and that, in itself is a testament to how amazing he was – my mother loved him, he was always polite and always made her laugh.  In fact, he always made everyone laugh!

But for those of you that, sadly, have any experience with suicide, you know that even if you knew something was wrong, chances are, you couldn’t have saved them, I, couldn’t have saved him.  Though every day I wish I could have.  He had so much to give.

His parents are running a foundation in his memory, to help sufferers of depression, people who feel like committing suicide, and to help those who have been bereaved by suicide.

PIPS Newry and Mourne (website here: http://www.pipsnewryandmourne.org/) offers the community a targeted response to suicide and self harm and is the leading suicide prevention charity in the area.  If I still lived at home, I’d most definitely volunteer some time to this great charity.

There is also Lifetime, a free professional counselling service available right across Northern Ireland, available 24/7.  Phone 080 880 88000.

Today, I’m enjoying the memories of my friend Seamus.  I’m remembering how we met (in a library and he asked me if he could borrow my calculator – in spite of the fact his own, functioning calculator was sitting right in front of him) and from the moment he passed away, I’ve been determined to live my life, in part, for him.

My sadness still remains, and I can only imagine what his parents and family feel.  I know my lasting sadness doesn’t even begin to compare.  But on days like today, the pain is all a little worse and I’d like to think that I’m occasionally, doing my part for both him.

If you have a few spare pounds lying around, I’d encourage you to donate to this charity.  If you have an hour or two of your time to donate, again, this is a great, worthy cause.

For now, just be aware.  No matter how well you know someone, you never truly know what they are going through…and for those of you contemplating suicide, pick up the phone and call someone, anyone, because honestly, it’s just not the answer you think you’re looking for – I promise.